A FEW CHOICE JOKES







JOKES I LIKE. OLD AND NEW.









HIDE AND SEEK

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.

'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a faint male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'


A HARD CHOICE


A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

HOW GEORGE W. BUSH WAS ELECTED


Farmer Brown was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now the farmer could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster, old Homer, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Homer's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To Farmer Brown's amazement, old Homer had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and strut on to the next one. Farmer Brown was so proud of old Homer, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and Homer became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Homer the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Homer was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


THE MAN HAS BALLS


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT


A man walks into a talent agent’s office and introduces himself as Mr Concrete Head.

“Oh yeah? And what exactly do you do?” the agent asks.

Mr Concrete Head produces a length of pipe from his coat and says, “You can hit me on the head with this as hard as you like and I’ll be fine.”

The agent looks incredulous. “As hard as I like?”
“As hard as you like. No hat, no armor, nothing. If you don’t believe me, try it.”

The agent accepts the offer, grabs the length of pole, and hits him as hard as he can.

Unsurprisingly, Mr Concrete Head crumples onto the floor, his shattered cranium leaking blood onto the floor.

In a panic, the agent accompanies the comatose performer to the hospital where he remains unconscious.

Guilt-ridden, the talent scout rarely moves from Mr Concrete Head’s side: he talks to him, plays him music, strokes his hand, does everything he can for the stricken fellow whose fate he has sealed.

Months after the tragedy, the agent is with Mr Concrete Head when he begins to stir.

Opening his eyes, he sees the agent by his bedside, and opens his mouth to speak his first words:


















“Ta-daaaaaaaa…”


ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting









'14....14....14'...


CALL ME WE'LL DO LUNCH


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$145,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,450,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,300,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000. It is really a pretty good price."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiled and asked: " Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


ROAD RAGE


Two nuns were driving down a quiet country lane when all
of a sudden the Devil jumped up onto the hood.


The nun that was driving screamed: "What shall I do,
what shall I do?"


The second nun replied: "Show him your cross"


So the nun that was driving opened her car window and screamed:
"Get off my hood you Fucking bastard"


WOMEN THE SMARTER SEX


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire
fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her
dog and her cat.


The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. That
sure is a nice fire truck, " the fire fighter says
with admiration. Thanks" the girl says.


The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl
has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
testicles.


Little Partner, " the fire fighter says, "I
don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I
think you could go faster."


The little girl replies thoughtfully "You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."