THE STOCK MARKET

STOCK MARKET RESULTS! THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS. . . Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

A GREAT COME BACK

TOWEL TIP I am dating a young woman and we are deeply in love. However, no matter what I do sexually, she never achieves orgasm so we decided to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listened to our story and suggested the following; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." We went home and followed the therapist's advice. We hired a handsome young man and he stripped off and enthusiastically waved a towel over us both as we made love. But it didn't help and still my lover was unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, we went back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, we followed the advice. The young man got into bed with my lover and I waved the towel. The young man really worked with great enthusiasm and my lover soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm. Smiling, I droped the towel, tapped the young man on the shoulder and sayed to him triumphantly...."NOW THAT'S how you wave a f**king towel, son!!"

EAT, DRINK AND BE...

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THE BANNISTER OF LIFE Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's ALL gone. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. A blond said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. AND IN CLOSING As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

WHO'S LINE IS IT?

GREAT ONE LINERS DON'T GIVE ME LIP 1. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 2. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 3. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 4. I plead contemporary insanity. 5. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 6. Meandering to a different drummer. 7. The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside. 8. May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces. 9. May your children be so famous every policeman knows them. 10. May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 11. He'll cry over your wounds so he can get salt in them. 12. He heats the knives so his family won't use too much butter. 13. The next time you'll meet anyone like him, it will have to be In a Nightmare. 14. He got his parents a fifty-piece dinner set for their Golden Anniversary a box of toothpicks. 15. He told his children Santa Claus is too old to get around any more. 16. He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries. 17. He'll throw a drowning man both ends of a rope. 18. The last place he lived in, he campaigned for dry law, got it passed and then moved away. 19. If you kicked him in his heart, you'd break your toe. 20. He has lots of fortitude. He'll stand for nearly anything, but a woman on a train. 21. The only way he can hear any good about himself is to talk to himself. 22. Every time a report comes about the dangers of second-hand cigarette smoke, he goes around blowing smoke in people’s faces. 23. He's suffering from hardening of the hearteries. 24. His motto is ‘A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH', but expects yours to have gold in it. 25. He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him in the bus can only read half the newspaper. 26. You could not warm up to him if you were cremated together. 27. Lots of people would love working for him - if they were graver diggers. 28. He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider. 29. How about never? Is never good for you? 30. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 31. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 32. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 33. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again 34. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 35. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 36. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 37. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 38. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 39. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 40. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 41. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 42. I might be short but you're ugly and I still have time to grow! 43. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 44. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 45. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 46. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 47. His teeth are brighter than he is. 48. No, my powers can only be used for good. 49. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 50. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 51. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 52. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 53. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 54. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 55. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 56. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 57. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

PSST...WANNA BUY A LINE?

MORE ONE LINERS ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE 1. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 2. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 3. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 4. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 5. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. 6. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 9. Do I look like a people person? 10. You!...Off my planet! 11. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 12. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 13. And which dwarf are you? 14. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 15. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 16. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 18. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 19. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 20. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 21. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 22. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 23. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 24. Allow me to introduce my selves. 25. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 26. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 27. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 28. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

MEN VS MOTOCYCLES: PART 1

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This is a piece from the internet. I have added my own twists to it. Feel free to do the same. Keep what you like and fix what you don't. Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men (as written by women [in black]) 1. You can ride a motorcycle when you want to (Not when it's raining or snowing.) 2. Motorcycles never try to ride you (I had one motorcycle try.) 3. Motorcycles don’t sulk for a week when you don't ride them (they do for the first few rides after winter.) 4. Motorcycles aren't hairy (But some have too much fringe.) 5. Motorcycles don't have a complex about the size of their parts (Mine wants bigger pistons..) 6. Motorcycles don't fall asleep when you've finished riding them (Try turning the key off.) 7. Motorcycles don't complain when you take them shopping (I'd like to see that feat Ms. Knievel.) 8. Motorcycles are never too proud to let you ask for directions (Sure but try and get them to ask for you.) 9. Motorcycles stay hard all the time (You've never had a flat or a slow leak?) 10. Motorcycles don't take their socks off and pick their feet (Then my daddy must of been a motorcycle cause I don't either.) 11. Motorcycles are never too drunk to ride (Sure but you miss out on the amusement park ride) (and as responded to by men [in red])

THE TWO SEXES AND ONE STORY

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This story has made the rounds on the internet but if you haven't seen it before it's an Oldie but a Goldie. One Male And One Female The Creative Writing Professor told his class one day "Today we will experiment with a form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." Rebeca and Gary THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebeca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebeca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebeca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebeca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch (Rebeca) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) GO DRINK SOME TEA - WHORE! (TEACHER) *A+ - I really liked this one.* Offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

WHAT IS A WHACK?

OUT OF WHACK ok... so i'm just thinkin' and suddenly I wonder... What Is A Whack? (Right?) Why do we say something is out of whack? (I didn't even pick any up how can I be out of THEM) or...Knick Knack Patty Whack give the dog a bone? (I can only assume that Knick Whack has two middle names and is a dog breeder) and why do guys "whack" it? (I mean who or what is it, and why do guys want to whack... IT?) my dad says "boy, I'm gonna whack you a good one!" ( I'm glad I am getting a good one but WHAT IS "IT") or I hear Mr. Corleone say "hey Billy I want you to go over and whack Johnny, then do away with the corpse" (Now that doesn't sound so good for Johnny, am I right?) my friend says "You can't figure it out? let me take a whack at it" (At what? Now I am wearing a bullet proof vest and a jock strap with a metal cup. You can't be too safe.) then my sister says "That Charlie is sure a real whacko" ( so that's who started this, I need to find Charlie) then to add to the confusion Mom answers "that is whack" ("where, WHERE?" I yell ) "out of whack" (She answers, there we go again when did we have any, we always seem to be out of them) well I have researched this for weeks apparently "whack" can be both normal and not normal. (then either "whack is whack" or "whack is out of whack" but I'm not sure which! If only I could find that Charlie guy he's a whacko he would know) ALL I KNOW FOR SURE IS I'M OUT OF WHACK AND WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO JOHNNIE HE JUST KIND OF DISAPPEARED...MAYBE HE'S OUT BUYING WHACKS.

DON'T BOGEY THAT CARPET

WALL TO WALL YOU ROLL IT I WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN. I HAVEN'T SMOKED HER WHOLE CARPET YET. THIS IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. THE WRITER DOES NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT MARIJUANA COMMONLY KNOWN AS WEED LOOKS LIKE. HE DOES NOT CONDONE THE USE OF DRUGS...DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A CONDONE IF YOU SMOKE A JOINT? I HAS NO IDEA THAT IT CAN ALSO BE SOLD AS HASH. I HAS NEVER USED ZIG ZAG ROLLING PAPERS NOR DOES I KNOW WHAT A DIME BAG IS. MY TENSES ARE ALL SCREWED, I'M TOO TENSE...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TWO TENTS, IT'S A JOKE. I IS NOT AWARE THAT THE BEST SHIT IS GROWN IN VANCOUVER EVEN THOUGH IT IS. I HAS NEVER HAD THE MUNCHIES NOR IS IT TRUE THAT I ORDERED A DOZEN PIZZA'S ONE. SHIT REMEMBER THAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TWO TENTS GET IT? I AM NOT GIGGLING RIGHT NOW NOR...WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT... DOES ANYBODY GOT ANY TWINKIES? SIGNED...WHAT'S MY NAME AGAIN...IT WAS ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...TONGE ON MY TIP TOO FUNNY MAN...TWO TENTS GET IT? SHH WHAT WAS THAT SOUND...SHIT! QUICK MOW THE CARPET...I KNOW MAN I KNOW I'M CRYING CAUSE I LOVE YOU MAN YOUR MY TOKING BUDDY...DID I SIGN YET...WHAT... I'm yelling? Shh did we mow the carpet yet. Armand Hamouth

SERVED HOT

USELESS INFORMATION 1. In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" (Nasty bit of info that. As an aside there is nothing funny about battered women. However there are a few Republican men I would love to use the rule of thumb on. Over and over again.) 2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ( As a man I just find that embarrassing. I guess only men can put their balls in small holes, hopefully their own holes. ) 3. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% (Personally I blame this fact totally on Canada, unless they count Downtown America as wilderness) 4. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 (If that figure is true my dogs must of all been Extra Large even the very small ones.) 5. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. (With the cost of commodities soaring I'm going to start mining my hair immediately, Nov, 9 2008 or NOT!) 6. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ( I'm just taking a wild guess, would the second one of been Huckleberry Finn ) 7. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ( Wow cable cars that you can use as cell phones...mobile! ) 8. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ( ...and know The Great Houdini will answer a complex multiplication question. "You there in the front row, the one on my payroll what is your question and make it really hard!" ) Armand Hamouth

RED HOT CHILI

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JUDGE NUMBER THREE This one has been making the rounds for years. If you somehow missed it it always makes me laugh, so enjoy! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. slut is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb. Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number three. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge number three passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? And that's all she wrote folks!

TESTING ONE, TWO, THREE...

POCKET TASER STUN GUN This one has made the rounds on the internet for years. If you haven't seen this one before it's worth the read. Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face. Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Still in shock

BRAD JENNILINA

JENNIFER AND BRAD IN FROM HOLLYWOOD Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are set to meet. This will be their first eye to eye meeting since their divorce. In an exclusive interview... ...I'm sorry we interrupt this post to bring you breaking news... OH SHIT... I AM OUT OF HERE ANGELINA ...ANGELINA JUST FOUND OUT!!!! armandhamouth

THE PITTFALLS OF STARDOM

DATELINE OCTOBER 20 2008 Mickey Mouse Arrested For Drug Use Mickey's long time mate Minnie Mouse refused to comment on Mickey's Drug use. As a symbol for a young generation this latest brush with the law may very well end Mick's career. Mickey, notorious for the line "I never inhaled" can no longer deny his obvious Drug use. Will Minnie stand by her Mouse or is she fed up. Even close friends Donald Duck and Goofy appear to be dropping the curtain on the Mouse. Donald was quoted as saying " You just get tired of sitting around the set waiting for him to show up." Goofy commented "He's your friend and you want to help but he's so high you can't get through to him" he then continued “What a waste of talent. He was amazing in "The Sorcerers’ Apprentice". Man you just hate to see it all go to waste!" Disney though say they are sticking with the Mouse. "Genius comes at a price. He has agreed to go into rehab and get back on anti-depressants" said a representative for the Studio. Sailboat Pete

Flatulence

Definition The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. In black are the winning definitions. In red are my own definitions to make it original. And the winners are: 1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs. (A burial case for a male, coffhers is the female version} 2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. ( When a fat giraffe in front of you farts. You've just been flabbergasted) 3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. (When a gymnast blows you) 4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. ( the ability to know when someone wants a lemonade before they ask) 5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent. ( What Bill told the courts happened with Monica Lewinsky) 6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. ( when a man has no manners especially when with women) 7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. ( A gay man describing what happens to his penis if he drinks too much. It's lymph) 8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash. (when a female officer is on guard duty) 9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. (The time a man spends calmly waiting for his girlfriend to decide to get a breast enhancement ) 10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. I'M GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR THIS ONE (one of the events at the Special Olympics) 11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. (The person who tries new flavors for The Popsicle company) 12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. ( A natural ability to get a hard on at will) 13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. (A male with a perpetual hard on) 14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. (A person working in a New York Deli as a Bouncer; also known as Shuckers! ) 15. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men ( The act of a Jewish woman complaining about Jewish men "cutting off an inch and half before they even know how long it's going to be") Feel free to add new words and new definitions. Or add your own definition of the existing words. (red definitions addicted by) Armand Hamouth

NO SNOW LIKE SNOW BUSINESS

BEAUTIFUL SNOW DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER (This long joke is older than the internet. It still makes me laugh. If you have never seen it before, I think you will enjoy it.) December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27:Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling! January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

FIVE TO TEN

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A NEW SLANT I am sure I am in love. So I am hanging out with my next door neighbor and his 5 yr old son Timmy who wants to be a doctor when he grows up. He's a real cute Kid. I tell my friend my love symptoms. His son contributes his professional medical opinion. How cute! 1. A Skipping heartbeat when I think of her. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular fibrillation and myocardial infarction ( I think that means heart attack. The little guy probably doesn't even know what he's saying) 2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Parkinson's Disease (I guess he saw Michael J. Fox speaking. How cute he is repeating what he heard) 3. Frequent or constant sexual arousal. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: nymphomania (Ok I'm going to give the kid that one, just on pronunciation alone. Maybe I need to lower the sound on my pornographic DVDs) 4. Insomnia. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (I am convinced he made that one up. It doesn't exist) 5. Inability to stop thinking about her. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: OCD (What the hell is OCD? I don't admit I don't know what it is. I refuse to give Doctor Mini Me a leg up) 6. Constant smiling. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Bell's Palsy (Bell’s palsy? 5 years old my ass? I am convinced my neighbor is lying about his son. He is housing a 50 year old midget with a PHD in Medical Fear Tactics) 7. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or home. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: early onset Alzheimer's Disease (I just may forget NOT to kick him in the ass) 8. Bruising on neck, chest and other tender areas. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: leukemia (I’m sitting on both my hands. I will not revert to violence. I refuse to end up in jail) 9. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when she calls or comes over. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: multiple sclerosis (What are the laws for giving a five year old multiple injuries anyways? I could probably plea 15 years and serve only ten maybe five if I only hurt him a little. I'm just saying.) 10. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: schizophrenia (Finally a sound suggestion. "I'll use the insanity defense" I think, just as I leap for the midgets throat) armandhamouth

JUST THE FACTS

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Totally Useless But Somewhat Interesting Facts With My Own Unique View In Red The words "insane" and "insanity" are not recognized medical terms but rather legal ones. (I think I am in a lot of legal trouble) The bench in the middle of a Westminster parliament is 2 1/2 sword lengths long. This is to keep both the government and the opposition at least a sword's length away from each other in case of a heated debate. (This is modern times so how long is a bullet length) The word "freelance" comes from medieval times when a knight's lance was free for hire and not pledged to any one lord. (Shit in modern day that would make me I'm a freeuzi writer) The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. (What's the word I'm looking for here?) In the early 1900's, an elephant was actually tried, convicted, and hanged for murdering a politician's daughter during a circus parade. (Dumbo The Movie based on this event was slightly changed to make it more entertaining. In the porno version Debbie Does Dunbo they don't hang the Elephant but he is well hung! ) The word "testify" originates from the Roman courts where men were known to swear on their testicles about the truth of the matter unlike our present day Bible system. ( Makes you wonder how they got the word dicktate?) The most frequently visited foreign city by Americans is Tijuana, Mexico. ( These days we don't visit Mexico. Mexico visits us! Tujuwanna a dyob.) The only seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters is "therein" -- the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, and herein. (Poor Elephant, Imagine that!) Dueling is legal in Paraguay so long as both parties are registered blood donors. ( This lead to statements like "Oh Yeah? Wait right here I'm going to go register as a blood donor") Knights in full armor used to raise their visors to identify themselves in the presence of their king. This custom developed into the modern military salute. In every country, the salute is with the right hand. This is because, in medieval times, only right handed people could become knights as it was assumed that left handed people were descendants of the devil himself. (Visors had a tendency to close unexpectedly. Knights could be recognised by the broken fingers on their right hand) In the coastal provinces of Canada it is illegal to shoot a whale from a moving automobile. (Tourists on the other hand are fair game) The word "sheriff" is derived from "shire reeve." In early England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the term was brought to the United States it was shortened to sheriff. (The statement "Who gives a shit" quickly followed.) In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. (In fact that is were they got the name "Big Mac") Neck ties were first worn in Croatia, hence, the name cravats ( pronounced "cro-vats" ). ( How the hell do you hang an Elephant. Why didn't they just give him the electric chair ) In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. (In the U.S. it might be a good idea if the President didn't speak ) A "jiffy" is an actual measurement of time (1/100th of a second ). (Ever heard of sex in a jiffy? Settle down ladies nodding your head that quickly could give you whiplash) There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. ( There are 14 dimples on Britney Spears new Ass. I counted them while watching the music Awards) Police dogs are trained to respond to commands in a foreign language, commonly German and Hungarian. This is to prevent a suspect from stopping or taking control of the dogs. (The whole theory falls apart if the suspect happens to be German Hungarian) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. (I'm not going to say it. Twinkie anyone) If Disney's EPCOT center was a golf ball, a proportional golfer would be two miles tall. (If that golfer farted... } One drop of pure nicotine will kill a human. (You mean you don't even get a drop in a whole pack. I don't know whether to be happy or offended ) Ohio is listed as the 17th state admitted to the Union, however, it is actually the 47th. Congress apparently forgot to vote on the resolution for its admittance but rectified its mistake on August 7th, 1953. (I'm still thinking about that poor Elephant. OJ gets off but Dumbo they hang! ) Long ago, when people wanted to get rid of others who were unwanted but didn't want to kill them, they would burn down their houses in order to get the person to move on. The practice became known as "firing" the person. ( Which led to Postal Workers) The tablet the Statue of Liberty holds is two feet thick. (Can you imagine the size of her ass) In Colorado, it is illegal to run over a trout with a car. (Jail stories to tell your Grandchildren. So I'm driving in Colarodo...!) A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. (Must of had the same lawyer as the Elephant.) Armand Hamouth

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