FIVE TO TEN

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A NEW SLANT I am sure I am in love. So I am hanging out with my next door neighbor and his 5 yr old son Timmy who wants to be a doctor when he grows up. He's a real cute Kid. I tell my friend my love symptoms. His son contributes his professional medical opinion. How cute! 1. A Skipping heartbeat when I think of her. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricular fibrillation and myocardial infarction ( I think that means heart attack. The little guy probably doesn't even know what he's saying) 2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Parkinson's Disease (I guess he saw Michael J. Fox speaking. How cute he is repeating what he heard) 3. Frequent or constant sexual arousal. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: nymphomania (Ok I'm going to give the kid that one, just on pronunciation alone. Maybe I need to lower the sound on my pornographic DVDs) 4. Insomnia. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (I am convinced he made that one up. It doesn't exist) 5. Inability to stop thinking about her. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: OCD (What the hell is OCD? I don't admit I don't know what it is. I refuse to give Doctor Mini Me a leg up) 6. Constant smiling. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: Bell's Palsy (Bell’s palsy? 5 years old my ass? I am convinced my neighbor is lying about his son. He is housing a 50 year old midget with a PHD in Medical Fear Tactics) 7. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or home. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: early onset Alzheimer's Disease (I just may forget NOT to kick him in the ass) 8. Bruising on neck, chest and other tender areas. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: leukemia (I’m sitting on both my hands. I will not revert to violence. I refuse to end up in jail) 9. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when she calls or comes over. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: multiple sclerosis (What are the laws for giving a five year old multiple injuries anyways? I could probably plea 15 years and serve only ten maybe five if I only hurt him a little. I'm just saying.) 10. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence. I think it's: Love Timmy Says: schizophrenia (Finally a sound suggestion. "I'll use the insanity defense" I think, just as I leap for the midgets throat) armandhamouth